In the dark recesses of the internet a currency was born. The brainchild of a mystery man and several basement weeboos cryptocurrency hit the web.

Over the past few months I have been working in this most mysterious of industries, culminating in my participation in a contest of intelligence and wit. I became one of ten people given $1000 in Ethereum(ETH) and challenged to invest it, using blockchain. The person with the most money by the end of the holiday break won bragging rights and the company would donate the $10,000 to a charity of the winner's choice.

Leading up to the holidays I studied every financial thesis I could find on arbitrage, shorting, and leveraging financial assets. I watched films like Moneyball, Wolf of Wall Street, and The Big Short on repeat. Finally, the day came when the money was deposited into our private wallets and the contest was open to trading.

I had developed the perfect plan. First, I was going to take a forth of the money and go short on ETH. Going short means that I’m going to bet against the assets with the expectation that it would fall in value over time. After, I would take 2 thirds of the remaining money and drop it in assassination markets betting on the assassination or natural death of popular celebrities and political officials.

However, a critical problem soon occurred. I couldn’t figure out how to use the fucking software. The money just sat there in a crypto wallet while (disgruntled and embarrassed) I returned to work. Everyone else bragged about the boost the market had over the break, their strategies, and how much money they ended up with, except me, because I knew I blew it. Our founder came out and addressed the company, announcing the winner. When I heard my name I was confused. “How did I win?” I blurted out. “By having the most money,” he replied.

It turns out most people, who were using complex financial systems to try and increase their money, bet incorrectly and lost a large portion. On the other hand because I kept my money in my wallet while the value of Eth went up 10% I now had several hundred more dollars than when I started.

I donated my winnings to in honor of my favorite show, Pyre Radio. (full disclosure: I’m the host) And THAT is how I learned to stop worrying and enjoy the crypto.