I always thought that getting older would make me better at masking my pain.
As sand slips through the hourglass, I've found solace in the humble act of practice in a futile attempt to forget you.
It has taken my lifetime's worth of practice to master the manipulation of strings tangled to my own marionette. Guarded by guilt, I begin to question if I really feel anything at all with the news of your passing.
Floating amidst the shores of grief, I learn to swim past each emotional wave. Focused on overcoming each pulse in order to purposefully lose sight of the horizon, I have to hold it in. For each tear that is torn from me is lost forever becoming one with the quiet sea.
I know what's awaiting me.
I see the Tsunami.
And soon I'll be swept away.
Apologies for the prose. I lost my grandmother this week and I'm still grappling with the reality of it. Rest in peace 奶奶 you are the strongest person I know and I love you always.
This mix is in part just trying to come to terms with how I feel.
Playlist
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Devil That I Know by Jacob Banks on For My Friends (Interscope) -
Feel Pain by Young & Sick on Young & Sick (Harvest Records) -
Get You To the Moon (Other Remix) by Kina on Get You to the Moon (KINA) -
LIFE by Saba on CARE FOR ME (Saba Pivot) -
Letsnotcallitlove (feat. Evanturetime) by theodora on letsnotcallitlove - EP (independent) -
Lost (feat. Noname) by Chance the Rapper on Acid Rap (Chance The Rapper) -
Surrender by Megan Gage & Aabo (Megan Gage) -
Release Your Problems by Chet Faker on Built on Glass (Downtown Records) -
Celine by Gallant on Ology (EMPIRE) -
Sweet Unrest by Apparat on The Devil's Walk (Mute Artists Limited) -
Drip by Sosupersam on Priority - EP (143 Records) -
Grace by Jacob Banks on The Paradox (Interscope) -
Dali by Tanerelle on 11:11 (Self-Released) -
Steppin' Out Late (Late Night Alumni Slow Dance) by Kaskade on Steppin' Out (UMG) -
Shortline by RY X on Dawn (Transmodern) -
Who You Do it For by Ramsey on Ramsey EP (Ramsey Sound) -
Too Late by The Weeknd on After Hours (XO) -
Hussle & Motivate by Nipsey Hussle on Victory Lap (All Money In No Money Out) -
Pink Matter by Frank Ocean, Andre 3000 on Channel ORANGE (Island/Def Jam) -
Mind Body And Soul by Byron the Aquarius on Leaving the Planet (Eglo) -
You Grew Up by Oddisee on The Iceberg (Mello Music Group) -
Ordinary Joe by Terry Callier, Nujabes on The Complete Introduction to Northern Soul (Universal) -
Howling by RY X on Dawn (Transmodern) -
Dejame Decirte (feat. Eddie Palmieri) by iLe on Almadura (Sony Music) -
Now by Alex Isley, Jack Dine on Wilton - EP (Blue Note Records) -
Silence (feat. Ebz the Artist) by Brenden Powers on Silence (Fang Life Recordings) -
Dreamscapes by Chandley Kolb on Transmissions: Soundscapes and Instrumentals (Independent) -
Bone + Tissue by Gallant on Ology (EMPIRE) -
De Luna by iLe on Almadura (Sony Music) -
Ouroboros by Rachel Bobbitt & Justice Der on When This Plane Goes Down (Gammawheeler Records) -
Wild is the Wind by Cat Power on The Covers Record (Matador) -
Mother Earth (feat. Kealoha) by Taimane on We Are Made of Stars (Taimane) -
Slow Up by Jacob Banks on Village (Interscope)